Tuesday, October 21

What does FINE mean?

Freaked Out Insecure Neurotic and Emotional

The line comes from The Italian Job, a good movie in my opinion.

But if you think about it, when you say 'I'm fine' 90% of the time, you're not.  You are in fact one, if not all of those things.

You're freaked out over something going on in your life, most likely that you have little control over.  Sure, you can study for a test, but what if you run out of time or skip a page by mistake and miss something big.  There are elements you have to trust will happen.  And that's just something you have some control over.  Plenty of other things happen in our lives that we have no control over and its just a waiting game.

I've got 3 panels I'm speaking on at a Con this weekend.  One on Friday, two on Saturday.  While I'm thrilled to take this step [I HATE crowds and I HATE being the center of attention], I'm also freaking out because apart of me doesn't feel qualified to talk to people about being a writer.

On top of that, there's this award I'm up for.  Yes, I know I've got an imagination.  Trust me.  But to be up for an award as someone who's used that imagination for the betterment of the city? When I look at the others nominated, I feel pretty small and not worthy.

Insecure... So, not only are you freaking out but with that comes the doubts that you're just not good enough.  Interestingly, I covered those with Freaking Out pretty well.  I think these two tend to go hand in hand when we say 'I'm fine.'

Neurotic... This ones harder to explain.  I think the best part of the description of the word is 'unbalanced' and 'unstable'.  And in this sense, its showing that you're not able to cope with changes well.  Why is this bad?  In an uncontrollable situation, changes happen and they happen fast.  Which means when you're off kilter, they'll throw you into a tail spin and drag you down.

Last week my heart started acting weird and I had a lot of trouble sleeping.  My reaction, since I was stressed over other things, was to not figure out how to try and calm down, but keep freaking out, nap a lot and finally end up in the ER, scared that something bad had happened too me.  I was unbalanced and that first 'attack', knocked me for a loop.

Last we have, Emotional.  This is the last element and for good reason.  First two go hand in hand most of the time, freaking out brings out your insecurities.  You're then unbalanced and unprepared for changes to happen.  When those things take you to a breaking point, your emotions cut loose and you 'release' what should have been released when the person asked 'How are you?'

I'm not the best at sharing my emotions, but I try and do what I can.  Its important to let go and let out what's messing you up.  When I saw the nurse practitioner on Friday, her advice for helping was to exercise and get into counseling.  Interestingly enough, I've received two different replies to that last bit of advice.

1: Its a load of crap.  My idea of 'counseling' is a bottle of jack and my friends for a night.  Drink and get it all out in the open.  One costs hundreds of dollars, the other maybe $60.  Same result.

2: Good, it's helpful and sometimes you need to share things with someone who's not going to judge you.

The NP said she sees it like an oil change.  You perhaps go in weekly, biweekly or something for a while, but hopefully reach a place where you're only going in twice a year.  Kinda like an oil change.  And to me, that makes sense.  While yeah, the first one isn't a bad idea and I do enjoy a good vent to a friend, its not the same as those times you share with a stranger and get what you REALLY want to say, out in the open.

Heck, I've shared more here with the world than I have at times with people I care about.

Now, I'm not saying I've managed to get past being FINE.  I'm not.  I still reply that when I don't want to deal just yet.  And timing is important.  But so is sharing.  And sharing with someone who don't judge you, pass on what you said in 'confidence', or perhaps stop talking to you for what you say or any of those reasons why friends aren't always the best people to share with.

And there are plenty of people who fall into those categories.  Some people talk with pastors/priests, others with bartenders.  Strangers you share a table with at a coffee shop who seem willing to listen and not judge. Guidance counselors, advisors and many others fit into that category of someone you can talk too.  I've even used a blog I never shared and kept my name off of to rant and vent about things I didn't feel I had someone to talk too about.

I understand peoples dislike for counseling.  I've been there.  We all think its like Frasier and how you secretly want to have sex with your mother, and it all starts with your childhood.  But its not that.  Or rather, its not ALL that.  Sure, some are like that and some aren't.  If it doesn't work, find someone else.  You don't buy the first car you sit in, or marry the first person you date... Why stick with the first doctor you find?

^^  Thanks for listening.  I hope to have gotten closer to seeing someone by now [as this was written Sunday night.] and will keep you updated a bit on things.  Posts may be late this weekend, but I'm hoping to get a few preposts up this week.

Kristy C