Thursday, September 4

Life, Lists and How to keep at it...

Sounds like a good title to a book.  Not one I'd know how to write.  Pffft, at this point I am grateful to be alive and have managed to keep... Well, alive.

I make lists, but in two days I've gotten... One item on my list marked off.  That's all, one.

Not sure what happened, but something hit me over the last few days and I have no desire to get out of bed or go any place.  I just want to curl up and sleep.  Which isn't just 'not productive' it scares me a bit.

Yes, I've battled depression, but its never felt this powerful.  And I'm on pills to freaking help, but they only seem to help part of the time.

I'd say my life has been cut into three.. Maybe four ways of being.

Busy, meaning I don't have time to acknowledge that I'm not feeling good.  I run, run, run, run and run some more.  Errands, shows, lots of driving.  I don't mind it, but its a lot and I can't do it constantly.

Productive... Making lists, getting things done.  Photos of new jewelry, words written and/or edited for stories. Heck, jewelry made, tagged, inventoried and listed!  All of those things done, mostly from my little living room at home. I get up, I do those things and I feel better about myself.

Lazy.  This one often shows up for about a week after having been Busy, and can be interspersed with Productive.  I like to claim its the most normal state for me, but its not actually.  I just enjoy it, mostly because I've been working and need a break.

Checked-Out.  The WORST of the times, is when I can't focus and just wanna go to bed.  Its a newer side of things, one I'm not used too.  Busy, Productive and Lazy have been my life for 32ish years.  I'm used to them.  But this sense of 'checked-out', where I have no control over myself and just can't focus, can't work, can't be me... I hate it.  I want it to end and I can't figure out what's brought it on.

I'm willing to admit that it takes time to get used to medications, and that's fine.  And the last few weeks have been kinda weird, as I've taken steps push myself into a better place.  It could just be the fear of having jewelry in NY for a show, all that could entail... And the fear of failing on the trip to Seattle.  Annoyance that despite everything, I can't get myself to constantly walk and try to lose weight, or that my body's healing, but I want it faster than it's happening.

A million little things could be part of why I'm feeling so out of it... But knowing the why, doesn't make it go away.  And I need to figure that part out.

I know I don't have a lot of viewers, and I have some plans to up the posts and move them away from 'ugh, I feel bad' and focus more on my writing and my jewelry, but as I stated... This journal is about Me, and this struggle is apart of me.

Right now, I am a messed up, writing, designing, weirdo.  Someday they may finally move to their own worlds, but for now its all here.

Kristy C