Sunday, February 19

Dangerous Frame of Mind...

Or, how much to tell young people?

When I was small and got cavities, even though I took care of my teeth, the dentists would quiz me and made me feel as if I wasn't doing enough.  So I kinda... Gave up.  If I could do all the work, only to have them be bad... Then why try?

I think that... If I'd been told as a kid, 'Just keep at it.  Sometimes, they happen.  But you just have to keep at it and as an adult, you'll have great teeth.' I'd have better teeth.  But part of how I'm wired holds this... 'If I can't ever be good enough, why am I bothering?' and so, I give up.

Now at almost 30, I struggle to see things from start to finish.  The fact that I'm nearly finished with school is a MAJOR accomplishment for me.  I haven't given up after 4 months... Same with my jewelry business.  I've finally reached a point where I'm actually finishing what I start... 75% of the time.

I still struggle with 'why bother?' times... And with times of feeling worthless or useless, which also come from the same mind set.

It might not be an obvious jump, but think of it a little differently...

Told your not doing a good enough job, its not enough, your imperfect.  Seldom told that you did a good job, always 'it could be better.'  Really leads to a feeling of inadequacy and a doubt that your ever are going to be good enough...

Sadly, it took the time after my mother died, to realize this in myself.  And, I do wish I could have had time to talk and strength to her about it.  To share where I felt lost and hurt.

I'm nearly 30, watching my life both crumble around me and actually start... I feel like I should have done this when I was 18-22, not now.

So, I'll start moving forward, slowly... Haltingly, as things alter around me and shape my for the future... A future that as of now, is blank after April... I'll build what I have until then.

Ok... Mindless ramble is finished.