Hmm....

I felt a desire to post something... But I didn't know what to post.

Still, I'm going to post something. Even if its just random ramblings.

Today I felt pretty 'blah' and didn't both getting up out of bed until close to 10am. While I'd planned on walking to Rocket and back, but I had a Doctors Appt at 1:30 and since I'd started so late, and tend to rest for a while at the cafe, I knew it wouldn't work. Plus, it would be a waste of money.

Instead, I did some quick research and found a walk around Manito Park that sounded nice. It went around most of the sights and over to another park all together. Was supposed to be 2.4 miles, but when I added in a few other elements I think I added over a mile as well. Not that its a bad thing. More walking is good for me.

So, I walked, I took some photos and I enjoyed myself.  Afterward I went to PitaPit for lunch and that was fairly wonderful too.

Up next was my Doctors Appt, which I have every three months. We talk over my anxiety, depression, and health. Over all, she says I seem to be doing pretty good. Which makes me happy.

Just before going home, I instead went to a park and read a book. One I discovered, I'd already read.  I know because I skipped to the end and went 'Yep, I know it."

Took the book to a local Little Library and traded it out for something else.

I got home, made dinner [Turkey Taco's in a whole wheat shell.], we watched some Emergency and then, I put in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit.

Not a bad day, if I do say so myself.

What about you? How was your day?

Kristy C

How do you deal?

I know I don't have a lot of followers any more, that 2 year break really hurt people checking in here. But I am hoping to get some replies from people.

When I got on the healthcare everyone else got on this year, my first reaction was 'Oh good.. I have a list of things to talk about...'  and I did.  After a car accident a few years ago, my backs fucked up [sorry for the language], my right knees' always been an issue and I know I've been battling depression since before my mom passed.  So here I am, trying to get it all set and I [understandably] had a near 6 month way to see my Primary Care Provider.

Locally, there's a hospital group that my families gone to, since we moved too far from the Air Force base to see them, and I wanted to go back.  As luck would have it, the only doctor still accepting patients at that time was my mothers old doctor.  She's a wonderful woman and despite having had little to do with my moms care near the end, did in fact remember her.  All this seemed like a great thing.

So, I saw her in June.  It was a quick thing, just to touch base and get things moving.  She put me on an AntiDepressant, got me Physical Therapy for my back and we've started getting me back into things.

Now, it's September and I've already finished 12 weeks of PT, which did help [and would be better if I did the exercises more often] and for a while, I was really feeling better.

Then its like the bottom fell out and I can't get myself up in the morning, I'm always tired and my whole body aches.  I have things I WANT to do, but lack any drive to get them done.  Worse still, I can't remember worth shit and sometimes even talking is difficult.  I've tried to type simple sentences and it takes me five or more times to get words I know by heart written correctly.  And the times when I'm sitting there, anxious over how useless I feel are the worst.

I guess the best way to put it is, everythings gone to crap.  And I can't make it stop.

After a busy weekend, I put a call into my doctor and she was serious enough about wanting me in, that if timing didn't work to see her, she wanted me to see another doctor in her office.  Which is encouraging to show how much she wants to take care of me.  I'm smart and haven't just 'stopped taking it' or anything, as I know that can screw you up just as badly.

This whole post is mostly just something I needed to get out there, but I am wondering... How do you deal with the days and weeks where everything is wrong inside your head?

Kristy C

Life, Lists and How to keep at it...

Sounds like a good title to a book.  Not one I'd know how to write.  Pffft, at this point I am grateful to be alive and have managed to keep... Well, alive.

I make lists, but in two days I've gotten... One item on my list marked off.  That's all, one.

Not sure what happened, but something hit me over the last few days and I have no desire to get out of bed or go any place.  I just want to curl up and sleep.  Which isn't just 'not productive' it scares me a bit.

Yes, I've battled depression, but its never felt this powerful.  And I'm on pills to freaking help, but they only seem to help part of the time.

I'd say my life has been cut into three.. Maybe four ways of being.

Busy, meaning I don't have time to acknowledge that I'm not feeling good.  I run, run, run, run and run some more.  Errands, shows, lots of driving.  I don't mind it, but its a lot and I can't do it constantly.

Productive... Making lists, getting things done.  Photos of new jewelry, words written and/or edited for stories. Heck, jewelry made, tagged, inventoried and listed!  All of those things done, mostly from my little living room at home. I get up, I do those things and I feel better about myself.

Lazy.  This one often shows up for about a week after having been Busy, and can be interspersed with Productive.  I like to claim its the most normal state for me, but its not actually.  I just enjoy it, mostly because I've been working and need a break.

Checked-Out.  The WORST of the times, is when I can't focus and just wanna go to bed.  Its a newer side of things, one I'm not used too.  Busy, Productive and Lazy have been my life for 32ish years.  I'm used to them.  But this sense of 'checked-out', where I have no control over myself and just can't focus, can't work, can't be me... I hate it.  I want it to end and I can't figure out what's brought it on.

I'm willing to admit that it takes time to get used to medications, and that's fine.  And the last few weeks have been kinda weird, as I've taken steps push myself into a better place.  It could just be the fear of having jewelry in NY for a show, all that could entail... And the fear of failing on the trip to Seattle.  Annoyance that despite everything, I can't get myself to constantly walk and try to lose weight, or that my body's healing, but I want it faster than it's happening.

A million little things could be part of why I'm feeling so out of it... But knowing the why, doesn't make it go away.  And I need to figure that part out.

I know I don't have a lot of viewers, and I have some plans to up the posts and move them away from 'ugh, I feel bad' and focus more on my writing and my jewelry, but as I stated... This journal is about Me, and this struggle is apart of me.

Right now, I am a messed up, writing, designing, weirdo.  Someday they may finally move to their own worlds, but for now its all here.

Kristy C

The down days

Yesterday morning I woke up from a bad dream, not ready to get out of bed.

In my dream, I was just trying to get someplace.  We had 4 hours to do something, I didn't live far away.

But I left an hour late, then my car moved slow. It was like a Scion car, but you drove it with a kinda... I guess, stick.  It was able to turn and maneuver pretty well, but the speed was barely over 15 MPH.  In other words, I was barely moving.

I don't recall why I left the car, but for some reason I did.  Next thing I knew...

I was walking through houses and stores to get to the place.  I was almost half way there, with 2 hours left. I stopped to take a call from the people I was on my way to meet. One was sympathetic, but the others were upset that I, the only girl in the group, was the reason they were running late.  So I got up and started out again.  I was very close to them, I could feel it, but I'd lost my phone.

I had to go back and find it.  I remember starting out, figuring I'd get the thing done, then go get it... But I needed the stupid thing and couldn't.  So back through the doors I went, out onto a different street and nothing was the same.  Worse, the stores were closing and I was running out of time.

Through one set of doors I went, hoping to get back.  But this one was 'closed' and they yelled at me, threatened me... I called my phone from their phone, no one answered.  As I went to hang it up, I dropped and thought I'd broken the phone, but all I'd done was broken an outer shell of the phone.  Putting it back together, while being yelled at by the shop worker, I woke up.

Only now, I didn't want to get up.  I didn't want to start the day.  Everything felt wrong and only being in bed felt right.  I was tired and just wanted to curl up and hide.

I finally had to get up to help dad with something, only to go back to bed.  At about 10am I got up and ate breakfast, but I was cold, had trouble sitting still and focusing and just wanted to go back to bed.

After a while, I did just that.  On the pretense of working out to help my back, I laid down and up with the blankets and curled up went me.

For over an hour, I slept on and off, fidgeting and moving all over the place.  As I was thinking about getting up, my mind dreamed of just that several times.  Each one was a mistake as something bad happened.  Finally, I decided I'd rather risk getting up than keep trying to sleep, only to dream about it.

Nothing bad happened and so, I sat down to write.  Without too much work, it reached 2:30 in the afternoon and I'd done next to nothing.

The rest of my day passed slowly, as my attack finally let go.  But only after I'd spent most  of the time either in bed or trying to calm myself down.

Hate days like that.  They leave me feeling weak and powerless.

Kristy C