World Series, Panic Attacks and Migraines...

[written at 10pm Wed Night.]

For a few hours today, all three were happening at the same time.  The first and last seem to have passed, but I'm still sitting here feeling tired, with my heart speeding up randomly.

I've done everything I can to calm myself down, since I know it was a mixture of realizing tomorrow's the award show, Saturday's NaNo and my team was in a close battle for the World Series.

1: We won.  I screamed when we made a pretty craptastic error and let the tieing run make it to third.  Then I screamed, even louder, when the Panda made a freaking amazing catch and we won.  Scared the cat doing that too.  Not sure she's forgiven me yet.

2: I know NaNoWriMo will be what it will this year.  I'm writing blind and without purpose, other than to write.  Done it before, I can do it again.

3: The award show... I'm still freaked out about it.  I'm scared I'll win, and I'm nervous I'll feel out of place, and that I don't deserve to be there.  Win or lose, I know its not important.  But I'm scared anyway.

So, there we have it.  Now, I think I'm gonna head to bed.  Ya'll will be reading this in the morning, so I hope your day goes well.  I'm gonna try and take photos of the event and have something to show for it, even if I'm freaked out over it.

Kristy C

Walking...

Its an easy thing to do, but for some reason hard to keep at.  I've been told to spend 30 min a day being 'active', and this means working out in some fashion.  Not 'go to a gym and spend hours there', but walk, ride a bike, swim... Something.

So, on Monday my friend and I went to the mall and walked 2 miles.  WOO!!!  Then yesterday, she wasn't up to it and I messed up and didn't do anything.  Today, one of her kids stayed home and so she had to cancel again.  I know I need to walk anyway, so I plan on it.  Just sucks and isn't easy.  Blargh.

But, I want to get better and this will freaking help.

>.>  Doesn't help that one of my best friends got to complain that her hips hurt after the running and hills thing she did on Saturday.  I thought not nice things about her.  Still, she was excited and happy about my working out and my two miles.

Well, off I go to get my jaunt in.

Kristy C

How do you deal?

I know I don't have a lot of followers any more, that 2 year break really hurt people checking in here. But I am hoping to get some replies from people.

When I got on the healthcare everyone else got on this year, my first reaction was 'Oh good.. I have a list of things to talk about...'  and I did.  After a car accident a few years ago, my backs fucked up [sorry for the language], my right knees' always been an issue and I know I've been battling depression since before my mom passed.  So here I am, trying to get it all set and I [understandably] had a near 6 month way to see my Primary Care Provider.

Locally, there's a hospital group that my families gone to, since we moved too far from the Air Force base to see them, and I wanted to go back.  As luck would have it, the only doctor still accepting patients at that time was my mothers old doctor.  She's a wonderful woman and despite having had little to do with my moms care near the end, did in fact remember her.  All this seemed like a great thing.

So, I saw her in June.  It was a quick thing, just to touch base and get things moving.  She put me on an AntiDepressant, got me Physical Therapy for my back and we've started getting me back into things.

Now, it's September and I've already finished 12 weeks of PT, which did help [and would be better if I did the exercises more often] and for a while, I was really feeling better.

Then its like the bottom fell out and I can't get myself up in the morning, I'm always tired and my whole body aches.  I have things I WANT to do, but lack any drive to get them done.  Worse still, I can't remember worth shit and sometimes even talking is difficult.  I've tried to type simple sentences and it takes me five or more times to get words I know by heart written correctly.  And the times when I'm sitting there, anxious over how useless I feel are the worst.

I guess the best way to put it is, everythings gone to crap.  And I can't make it stop.

After a busy weekend, I put a call into my doctor and she was serious enough about wanting me in, that if timing didn't work to see her, she wanted me to see another doctor in her office.  Which is encouraging to show how much she wants to take care of me.  I'm smart and haven't just 'stopped taking it' or anything, as I know that can screw you up just as badly.

This whole post is mostly just something I needed to get out there, but I am wondering... How do you deal with the days and weeks where everything is wrong inside your head?

Kristy C

The down days

Yesterday morning I woke up from a bad dream, not ready to get out of bed.

In my dream, I was just trying to get someplace.  We had 4 hours to do something, I didn't live far away.

But I left an hour late, then my car moved slow. It was like a Scion car, but you drove it with a kinda... I guess, stick.  It was able to turn and maneuver pretty well, but the speed was barely over 15 MPH.  In other words, I was barely moving.

I don't recall why I left the car, but for some reason I did.  Next thing I knew...

I was walking through houses and stores to get to the place.  I was almost half way there, with 2 hours left. I stopped to take a call from the people I was on my way to meet. One was sympathetic, but the others were upset that I, the only girl in the group, was the reason they were running late.  So I got up and started out again.  I was very close to them, I could feel it, but I'd lost my phone.

I had to go back and find it.  I remember starting out, figuring I'd get the thing done, then go get it... But I needed the stupid thing and couldn't.  So back through the doors I went, out onto a different street and nothing was the same.  Worse, the stores were closing and I was running out of time.

Through one set of doors I went, hoping to get back.  But this one was 'closed' and they yelled at me, threatened me... I called my phone from their phone, no one answered.  As I went to hang it up, I dropped and thought I'd broken the phone, but all I'd done was broken an outer shell of the phone.  Putting it back together, while being yelled at by the shop worker, I woke up.

Only now, I didn't want to get up.  I didn't want to start the day.  Everything felt wrong and only being in bed felt right.  I was tired and just wanted to curl up and hide.

I finally had to get up to help dad with something, only to go back to bed.  At about 10am I got up and ate breakfast, but I was cold, had trouble sitting still and focusing and just wanted to go back to bed.

After a while, I did just that.  On the pretense of working out to help my back, I laid down and up with the blankets and curled up went me.

For over an hour, I slept on and off, fidgeting and moving all over the place.  As I was thinking about getting up, my mind dreamed of just that several times.  Each one was a mistake as something bad happened.  Finally, I decided I'd rather risk getting up than keep trying to sleep, only to dream about it.

Nothing bad happened and so, I sat down to write.  Without too much work, it reached 2:30 in the afternoon and I'd done next to nothing.

The rest of my day passed slowly, as my attack finally let go.  But only after I'd spent most  of the time either in bed or trying to calm myself down.

Hate days like that.  They leave me feeling weak and powerless.

Kristy C